"It's Christmas so I wanted to tell you"

Everyone's watched Love Actually this year and really got in the holiday mood.. or at least this seems to be the theme of these holidays. M. and I got a total of 4 - two per head - (semi) unexpected (sort of) declarations of love that we're still not quite sure what to make of. I think we're leaning towards "ignore and carry on". Oh and we also got some sort of absentminded holiday greetings from The Guys we are obviously Not At All Into, becasue they are Such A Bad Idea.

Happy New Year Y'All! Wishes of travels and not missing too much all the places where you can't be at once!

End of year Lists & Love

I'm reading one of those cheesy girl power books I've always made fun of. It says to make a desire list and thank you notes- what you wish for and what you're grateful for. 

I can't miss the chance of making lists, so here goes! :)

Wish list: 

I want to sleep in a warm and clean bed with a comforter, in my house
See my parents and hug my brothers and talk to my grandmother

I want a kitty
A manicure

A hair cut

I want to live in Africa
And enjoy the London life

I want to fall in love, and I want it to be good and I want to not be scared

I want to ski and dance

I want to look good because I feel good

I want flip flop sun tan marks on my feet in December
and jewellry from around the world

I want good Italian food - and ugali and gallo pinto when I need those weirdly comforting foods
Snow in the Alps, and watch the snow fall outside of my London living room window
The African sun and Coca Cola in the winter

I want to keep loving my job

I want to be really tired from doing what I love
and I want to do the best I can with what I've got, with this life
Nice winter clothes- matching hat, scarf and gloves
Friends I can count on in 4 or 5 continents

I want to write and read and dream and be inspired

I want to learn and remember and believe and trust
Cook and take pictures
Exercise
Laugh

A lot of the things on my wish list are things I already have and am grateful for, so here's my thank you list:
I'm so grateful for my brothers and the love and understanding only siblings can give you
My parents and everything they've done to make me who I am
My grandmother's endless wisdom and support

I'm incredibly thankful M. and I crossed paths, unlikely as that was, and incredibly grateful for how close we have stayed over the years - and for the access to technology I always have and how we keep in touch in spite of time zones and intercontinental moves
I'm forever amazed and in eternally grateful disbelief for the chances of birth, so unlikely I can't even comprehend it
Friends, Family
Sun, Snow
Travel, Music
Everything I have seen and experienced and all the people I have met
Life Health Love
And having the time to think about how grateful I am for everything I have

Breaking News: Fall Off The Face Of The Earth Explained!

Ladies and Gentlemen, THE faller-off the face of the Earth, the founder of the movement, leader of the trend, mover of the crowds, mind behind it all, the first one who ever fell… climbed back on (thanks to Facebook, of course) and EXPLAINED the reasons behind his fall to my friend.

Thanks for showing us the light, we are forever grateful!

And the reason was… he thought she was too good for him [and therefore he went and dated a blonde sorority girl]. They say women don’t think logically and my very feminine lack of logic leaves me incapable of comprehending the logic behind this. Now (five years on) he felt the need to tell her she’s the best thing he’s ever seen. I completely agree, she’s the best thing I’ve ever seen – maybe I should have been avoiding and ignoring her too.

I find this massively flattering: it clearly means that every single guy who ever fell off the face of the Earth in my life thought I was way too good for him. Thanks for the ego-boost guys, but please stop feeding my ego the way you have been or I won’t be able to fit in this room!

Coolness Type B

Why is it that you're so much cooler if you do the thing you do in rural Malawi than if you do the thing you do in central London? Maybe it's the nature of the thing you do that makes the difference...

It's the cavewoman survival instinct that tells me it's so sexy that he can drive a really beat truck on dirt roads full of children, goats, holes, monkeys, trees in the pouring rain, with the wiendshield wiper breaking and the headlights that have just turned off. And that he keeps his cool when he accidentally separates the mom from the baby elephants, causing the huge mom to get slightly pissed off and fake charge the car (and the 4 women from Ohio to almost pass out right there).

Do I detect a dangerous pattern here, in this fascination with people in different continents?

Resilience test

And when you want them to fall off the face of the Earth they insist in staying firmly put on it, just to give you a bit of a resilience test. 

So you're in London for 5 full days between a trip to Latin America and one to Africa? Great, let's see each other TWICE, just to make sure you are really REALLY over this. That's what you get for becoming friends with his friends. I'm SO over it. TOTALLY.

Just another Cool Kid In London

He's just another Cool Kid In London, just another one of the sharks I'm swimming with. 

I like my sharks though, I like them a lot. 

I particularly like them when they show up unrequested and (sort of) unannounced to drink Flor de Caña with me, straight from the airport (by Heathrow Express of course - that's basically the definition of Cool). 
I like them when they bring me the New Experience of Awkward, together with nice red wine and the Bosnian version of Plasmon (Italian biscuits for babies). 
I like them when they keep up with my drinking Flor de Caña Cuba Libres.
I particularly like them when they drink enough Flor de Caña that the definition of Cool changes entirely and becomes setting up a karaoke of bad Italian 90s pop and turn it into a "coming out" party. 

So Cool, the London life, sharks and all!

Nada de esto fue un error

Apparently life does, sometimes, bring you exactly what you need. It especially happens when you decide what life brought you is what you needed. It's not prince charming and it's not the novel I'd have written for my life, but it would make a good Nicaraguan novela.

January: I'm too busy hating my job to keep track of who holds on to the flat face of the Earth and who falls off.

Fabruary: I hate my job more, but.. like a Ray Of Light my Obsession for the next months appears in my living room (unrequested and unannounced). His best quality is that, due to the fact that he physically disappears to a different continent 4 full hours after our encounter, he never ever says or does anything wrong. Initially he even seems capable of using technlogy to give signs of life.

March: He loses his IT skills and falls off the face of the Earth.

April: I still think He's The Best Thing I've Ever Seen. By not giving me any sign of life, he does a wonderful job at not proving me wrong.

May: I get The Job. Hot & boring D for Distraction comes along. And falls off the flat face of the Earth within a week. Not interesting even in the falling style.

June & July: Best summer in the history of England, WEEKS go by with no sign of rain! I try to implement a highly scientific risk diversification strategy, which results in various strickingly ideantical falls off the face of the Earth.

August: The supposed Best Thing I've Ever Seen makes his reappearence on the face of the Earth and in the City. He is schizofrenically interested/uninterested. Schizofrenia, as far as I can recall, was never on my List.

September: Plan D for Distraction fails entirely because Distraction is not Dumb, and notices the hearts popping out of my eyes when in the presence of The supposed Best Thing I've Ever Seen. International trip #1 leads to another disaster in diversification not worth describing in any detail.

October: I get back to London in the psychophisical condition of a cleaning cloth. The supposed Best Thing I've Ever Seen clarifies any doubts I may still have had by immediately stopping his schizofrenia and staying firmly put off the flat face of the Earth.*

International trip #2 brings me back to my Home by Chance (I also have my Home by Birth & Home by Choice) where I get a temporary cure for my detached cynism - total adoration. Latinos love to sweetalk. I'm not cured. But I decided I needed what Life gave me, and I took it without complaining (too much).

*It is particularly interesting to observe the behaviours of the fallers off the flat face of the Earth when you accidentally bump into them. They will ask you: "why don't you just stay put?" when you tell of your 7 upcoming intercontinental work related trips. 'Cos you know, if you'd 'stay put' they would totally stay fallen off! And you know you'd want to be there for the experience.

Serious consideration

Have you ever noticed that the great thing about talking (in my case whining) about men/relationships/lack thereof is that - together with alcohol - it is the strongest common ground you have with people (you  think) you have nothing in common with? You can go to the Bolivian Chaco and talk about you clumsy seduction attempts gone terribly wrong, and people suddenly see you're really not that different from them at all. 

And since things have potential to suck as bad anywhere.. I'd rather be in London!

The Recipie

Pour in a large pot on high fire:

- 7 spoonfuls of sarcasm (to find the falls off the face of the Earth entertaining and strikingly original);

- a bright green blend of all the internet blessings available to man. Mix video Skype conforting, gchat whining, email screaming, Picasa reminiscing and Facebook self-glorifying;

- 1.3 kg of travel to unlikely places (far enough to see things in prospective, to hear only what matters and to smell nothing at all; unlikely enough that you're spared the 'coolness factor' ie "you went to Paraguay, awesome!");

- 1 cup on London (the full package), including places people and things;

If you are so inclined, sprinkle the top with self-deprecating irony for added flavour.

Stir quickly, drink slowly, savour for a long long time. If you think you're forgetting the flavour repeat the operation.

__________________________

PS. In case of Love At First Sight or other similar delusions, there is no need to go through the above described lengthy process. Violently hitting your head against a hard surface, such as a wall or table (mixed with a small taste of this blog, which as it heppens, contains all of the 5 magic ingredients above) should suffice.

Le Donne Lo Sanno

You can't

have your cake and eat it. So I'm told, so it is.

London my true Love

The last 4 weeks brought me to 4 different countries and the conclusions are:

- Take me back to London
- Give me a man who can't easily answer the question 'where are you from?'
- Take me back to London

Yo-yo

Fuck it, I'm tired.
And this yo-yo is making me nauseous.
To the point that somewhere between the yo-yo rolling and unrolling and re-rolling and re-unrolling, I lost my ability to appreciate the irony of it.
So dull of me to not see the humor in everyone falling off the face of the Earth in the exact same way.
I can't believe I don't find funny to expect lack of responsiveness  and to not be surprised when the guy falls off the flat face of the Earth.
Fuck it, I'm tired.

Equilibrium

- "Save your number in my phone" *with expansive hand gesture knocking over a glass of white wine* "..oh, this [destroying everything I touch] is totally standard for me!"

- *Chatting with friends.. I'm falling back while standing.. he helps me up "..I always fall, like I fall on escalators and when walking down the street"

- After buying myself and The guy a drink *fall on the floor spilling red wine all over the floor* then dancing: "See the floor is really slippery, of course I fell!"

Live and learn

Leave all your love and your loving behind
Can't carry it with you if you want to survive 

Games

It's always the same game and, to be honest, I don't really feel like playing.

Fried like a fried egg

Italian saying goes: I'm totally cooked. 
There was a reason why he was the overused example!

Gender Equality

I'm octopusy with him because he's octopusy with me. It's equal rights and equal opportunities, even though admittedly I can extend my octopus tentacles more than he can, without being textbook inappropriate. So let's say it's positive discrimination, or affirmative action, depending on whether you're British or American. (Even though to be so octopusy you'd have to have some Italian in you, most likely).

Friends are for insights

Just another Saturday in affection-deprived London:

"He has the machine-gun approach to love"

"You're being super octopusy"

There are no exceptions

Or are there?

WORDS of WISDOM

"Every girl likes a serenade but the serenade has to be for her"
-endlessly wise love of my life.
 
Which begs the question: how's a girl to know when the serenade is for her?
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger (I have a special love for bilingual sayings!).. there is just the slight problem of when you've become too strong to spot the serenade sung just for you.

Weakness, explained

Perche' non esiste donna che dica 'no' a una serenata.. because there is no woman who'd say 'no' to a serenade..

3 weeks

To the clarity only an intercontinental prospective provides. 

When you look at London from South America you can see it all so small and things and people don't really matter, only the people and things you can still clearly see from there matter. Generally, only the people you can still HEAR from there matter. And when you come back you know.

3 weeks to really TRAVELLING - since way too long ago!

The good old days

Life was easier when there was no texting, emailing, facebooking, skyping, gchatting, voIPing, video conferencing, AIMing, MSN messanging, google stalking.. and as a consequence a lot fewer intercontinental moves. 

It was just better when we were all farmers and married the farmer from the plot of land next to ours.

Italian Sayings

I love Italian sayings and the endless wisdom they contain, I especially like translating them into English. I expecially love when they ring true..

CHI NON MUORE SI RIVEDE [Who doesn't die you see again] as the mass migration back to London starts - of those I knew I'd see again and those I thought I'd never see again and those I almost couldn't hope to see again.

And as the intercontinental migration starts, I notice that IL LUPO PERDE IL PELO MA NON IL VIZIO [The wolf loses its fur but not its vice], as my friend - already mentioned as the intercontinental cyber-flirt and as D for Distraction #1 (#2 turns out to be for Dammit! or for Don't text me your 2am dorkiness! and #3 for Dropping the standard way-too-low!) tells me I'm so American and I should just live and love!

Moments of light

Thursday: "Because either you live in a part of the world where you have to go around in a burqa and you get stoned to death if you have sex before marriage, or you live in a part of the world where you have to go around in a mini skirt and you get stoned to death if you don't have sex by age 15" 

-therapeutically enlightened

Monday: "Two miracles in 3 days, and Italian saying goes 'there's no 2 without 3'" 

-shock-induced over-optimism

Wednesday: "Don't fucking play with my bracelets you fucking bastard" 

-alcoholically enlightened

The Alphabet

This is my proposed new method to teach children their ABCs, I just need to come up with a catchy tune now! 

With the generous intellectual and empirical contribution of Mina, here's a new genre of list that we produced when we realised that the first letter of the names of each of the wonderful men we were fortunate enough to come across says something about who they are!

A is for Assistance Acquiring Advance Auto-destructive Abilities 

B is for Boredom Brought Ball-less Bastard

C is for Cheeky Cheating Chicken 

D is for Distraction (x3)
E is for Emotionally Exhausting 

F is for Friendly Fucker 

G
H is for Happened to just fall (off the flat face of the Earth)

I is for Intellectually Inept 

J is for Jackass

K is for Kid syndrome 

L is for Loneliness syndrome 

M is for Macho syndrome

N is for Not going anywhere

O is for Obsession 

P is for Potentially..not
Q
R
S is for Socially Strict

T
U
V W is for Wait, Whaaaat?!
X
YZ is for Zero expectations

Clearly we have some way to go to complete the list!

COUNTING my blessings

It took me 5 days to develop my new 'diversification of risk' strategy involving 4 guys, 3 of which are in different continents. This new found cynicism was triggered by picking up 2 friends crying over bastards who 'like them very much but just can't commit', as well as by a self-preservation instinct after 1 cycling accident caused by daydreaming about some guy..

Quotable Friends

"you are distressed because if someone is going ot fall off the face [of the Earth] they should just fall

and not make peripheral reappearances with your friends"

..and this, ladies and gentlemen, is my Real Soulmate. Forget about men.

Getting Over and Moving On

Who hasn't needed to get over someone and move on? Well, as the Queen of Obsession, let me give you some useful tips which have proven to be highly effective: 

- Become good friends with his best friends (particularly if they are more gossipy than any girl);

- Get an Icelandic volcano to blow ash all over Europe and block air traffic, so that  by a most random turn of things that wouldn't have worked if you'd planned it, you need to contact him to help your stranded friends around the globe to get back to London;

- Go on pilgrimage to his country of origin and there hook up with someone whose name you never knew;

- Facebook stalk him and get annoyed that a) he has no activity and b) only girls post on his wall;

- Have no communication with him but create a very elaborate fantasy in your mind;

- Hook up with someone you never liked in the first place and get annoyed at yourself and  at your hook-up for not living up to your elaborate fantasy;

- Get everyone you know who knows him to tell you how great he is and how much they would have liked you together;

- Read all the news about the part of the world where he is. If he is from country A but ethnically from country B, you met him in country C and he is now working in country D, as an added bonus you get a great knowledge of current affairs;

- Stalk with every other method available and get a panic attack at the prospect of actually having another 10 minute encounter in this life.

The ORIGINAL list

 As resumed from the New Jersey basement..

1. Must not have an obnoxious accent.
2. Must be straight
3. Must speak fluently at least one of the following : Italian, English, Spanish
4. Must not be an alcoholic but must drink
5. No pot smoking/cigarettes
6. No drugs
7. T.C.K preferred [Third Culture Kid, essentially multicultural global nomad by upbringing]
8. Believe in God but not be priest, monk, pastor, etc.
9. Like to travel, ski (snowboard ok)
10. Must have no interest in TV
11. Must adore me
12. Must be politically correct, socially conscious by day , racist by night
13. Politically “liberal”
14. Must marry me
15. Must cook for me and do laundry
16. Must not be an airline pilot [I'm sure there was a reason for this]
17. Red hair preferred
18. Dirty hippies need not to apply
19. Must not be sleeping with my best friend or be romantically or sexually involved with anyone but me
20. Must want to go to Nicaragua and love Matagalpa
21. Must appreciate beauty
22. Must shower on a regular basis
23. Vegans need not apply
24. Must be high class and rich
25. Must have a driver license
26. No STDs or infectious diseases
27. Like art-not ugly/tacky art
28. Want to live in the city
29. Dark eyes preferred
30. Aware of world happenings
31. No ethnocentrism
32. No dyed hair and no tanning
33. Must be ridiculously reassuring, protecting and romantic
34. Must put up with bitching in large amounts
35. Must be psychologically and physically fulfilling
36. Must know how to spell
37. Humble but confident
38. Good mind and good heart
39. Sense of humor
40. Must be completely amazed and mesmerized by me
41. Machistas need not apply
42. Must be more sexually experienced than me but not too much
43. Must not have had a sex change
44. Must enjoy talking in weird accents
45. No condescending, patronizing, homophobic, racist ect.
46. Must have at least same education as me
47. No dogs desired
48. Fluent in multiple languages (no Vietnamese please)
49. Must not be a health freak
50. Must want to adopt/have kids and take care of them
51. Must be mentally stable
52. Must provide me with the necessary psychological support and independence
53. S&M need not apply
54. Not abusive to me or anyone
55. Honest and sincere
56. Dedicate to improve the state of the world
57. American sport (baseball, basketball, football and rugby) [probably something about not being a huge fan?]
58. No extreme sports/parachuting
59. Poets need not apply
60. No makeup/skirts
61. No excessive body hair/no BO
62. No porn/strip clubs
63. Like to read
64. Must appear quickly
65. No criminal record (with exception)
66. Must be slow and understanding and abnormally patient in physical /sexual setting
67. Dress well
68. Must not be into mothering pet like relationship
69. Must like long conversations that deviate on random tangents
70. Must be intelligent
71. Must respect my family and love my cat
72. Must appreciate swears when used appropriately
73. Must enjoy watching movies while drinking wine
74. No tattoos
75. No piercings (accepted eyebrow)
76. Must consult with wife before marriage
77. Must be persistent and willing to pursue me
78. Frat boys need not apply
79. Strong, physically, mentally, emotionally
80. Pageants [?] need not apply
81. Must not have a list like this for me
82. Must enjoy procrastination and all the activities it entails
83. Must buy me cool gifts and know my taste
84. No rotten teeth
85. No long fingernails
86. No military

..essentially, nothing's changed!

The benefits of technology

I was talking to a friend the other day and she came up with THE solution for the future: You can add applications to men like you add them to your iPhone! You pick the ones you like, if you have an 80+ point list like me it's easy: just find an App for each item on your list. The monogamy application would be expensive, while the dorky and not-too-good-looking one would be cheap (because women are not always wise!).

And then you can go and rate men online, like you rate restaurants, so future users can go and check. This is really useful! I could have gone and checked ratings for The Emailer and would have found: "Borderline autistic, Italy-obessessed, lacking basic social skills, totally lacking foreign language skills". I would have thought: must have been his ex in jealous rage writing such nonsense! And pursued my cause anyway, but Italian saying goes: a warned man (woman) is half saved. Admittedly it's likely the ratings wouldn't overall be very good, since they would mostly come from exes, but again, a warned woman is half saved.

What Disney movies are REALLY saying

Where was this version of Disney when I was growing up? Learning this would have definitely made life a whole lot easier!

Why was it hidden from me and instead I internalised some psychologically seriously harmful stories:

1) Aladdin the charming and exotic globetrotter/tourguide? - check!

2) Sleeping Beauty the deluded visionary, who is completely happy with falling in love once upon a dream and when she actually meets the Prince she runs away -check! (But worry not my friend, he runs after her! - not checked).

3) Snow White, the slightly obsessive character who falls in love at first sight with the prince and then never sees him again, but keeps obsessing that he is THE one - check! (She is right of course, as he manages to save her life and marry her in one go - not checked).

The Appendix on TEXT MESSAGES

I said I would add an appendix on text messages to Facebook and The Art of Seduction, so here goes. Maybe Appendix is an overstatement.

Thanks to the Banker with the Bicipitiello and the Friend Who Likes Everything That Breathes (Especially My Close Friends), and a few other generous contributors, recently I've had the chance to extensively practice my texting skills. Now I know that:

1) I need a new phone, ideally one that picks up in what language I am writing, so that I can use that hi-tech T9 thing, and spend less than half an hour composing a text.

2) I find the text style 'R u goin2c him l8r?' just too classy. Who can resist a man who writes like that?

3) I am worried. 2007 brought me Phone Therapy Man. He wanted to talk to me on the phone for hours every day, and never hang out. 2009 brought me The Emailer. He sent me an average of 7 emails a day and refused to go for a coffee. 2010 is bringing me Text Message Man! Even the amount of technological long-distance communication they want is decreasing! What next?

All in all, I get great joy from the deep and insightful texts I receive daily. Here are my two favorite texts of today:

#2. From the Banker with the Bicipitiello: Hi. How are you. I've been working really long hours. I'm working all the time. How's your job? I didn't think I'd work such long hours.. [Who'd have guessed bankers work long hours!?]. My response: Oh, the banker's life! :P etc etc. This unfortunately doesn't put him off from texting back.. again.. and again.. but never suggesting meeting. I might have to write the Good Friend With Benefits manual for him.

#1 (and one of my all-time favourites). From the Friend Who Likes Everything That Breathes (Especially My Close Friends): I have post partum depression! I respond asking what he gave birth to, hoping to a genius idea. Unfortunately that's not the case: he wants to see my friend, but doesn't think she's interested. I don't respond. I might have to write the Good Friend manual for him.

Maybe my phone will just accidentally fall in the toilet tomorrow morning!

Alanis's LIST

Fridays afternoons at work are not my thing.

Apparently Alanis likes making lists too :) I couldn't have said it better..

Read

21 Things I Want in a Lover Lyrics

here.

Do you derive joy when someone else succeeds?
Do you not play dirty when engaged in competition?
Do you have a big intellectual capacity but know that it alone does not equate wisdom?
Do you see everything as an illusion?
But enjoy it even though you are not of it?
Are you both masculine and feminine?
Politically aware?
And don't believe in capital punishment?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer

Do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that loving someone can actually feel like freedom?
Are you funny?
A la self-deprecating?
Like adventure?
And have many formed opinions?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer
I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter
These are 21 things I choose to choose in a lover

I'm in no hurry I could wait forever
I'm in no rush cuz I like being solo
There are no worries and certainly no pressure
In the meantime I'll live like there's no tomorrow

Are you uninhibited in bed?
More than three times a week?
Up for being experimental?
Are you athletic?
Are you thriving in a job that helps your brother?
Are you not addicted?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer
These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer


Curious and communicative...

The cynical post

Someone please enlighten me on what a modern day princess is supposed to do. The modern day princess is entirely prince-less, because she's too cool (which is another way of saying that the modern day princes are too uncool). 

So the modern day princess has two very appealing options: 

1) to wait for the olden day prince to appear on his white horse, and in the process grow old;

2) to make do with uncool modern day princes, and in the process lose hope.

If she picks option 1 she will obtain the honorary title of tease, while if she picks option 2, she will be called easy. Personally, I find both titles so flattering I really can't make up my mind as to which one I prefer.

But the good news is that she doesn't really need to make up her mind, as both options have the same outcome: a systematic and exponential increase in the princess' cynicism.

The Do NOT List

I know this much: I did find someone fitting my Peruvian List and I did find someone fitting my London List. It is possible that, as amazing as my lists were, they may not have been fully comprehensive. While the Updated List is still The List, I think adding some experience-based not-to-dos might help. Attractive as the following behaviours are, they may just not be my thing:

- Texting the afternoon of the night we're supposed to meet suggesting canceling and meeting the following day to watch football may not seduce me entirely. Maybe if you suggested watching skiing..

- Informing me you really like me but monogamy is just not your thing is original, but nor my cup of tea.

- I equate a dinner date to a major threat. Can we not do that until we're married and then you'll just have to deal with my inability to find my mouth with my fork? 

- If you spend more time in the gym than with friends don't tell me.

- If you are more concerned about your looks that I am - it's great we've reached such gender equality, but really.. no, thanks.

- I'm totally happy with you being a ruthless banker/consultant. I don't know what to make of you telling me how amazing my job is and that you'll be calling my company to get a job because you can offer x y and z. Stick to making money, really, it's ok.

- Don't comb your hair back. Just don't.

- Don't smoke. It's almost as bad as combing your hair back.

- I don't care about your exes (even though I would like it if there were less that 73) and I can assure you you don't care about mine.

- Lame text messages are lame. Games are lamer. 

- Lack of responsiveness/falling off the face of the Earth make me go: of course. Next, please.

- Don't talk to me if you're about to move to the other side of the world. Or even better: don't move to the other side of the world.

- No need to hold my hand when you're talking to me: I understand English. Or Italian, as this seems to be more of an issue. Happy to learn other languages, if that helps.
- And, ideally, in a hypothetical fantasy world, you would not fall off the flat face of the Earth.

Case study: The Banker with the Bicipitiello

I haven't posted anything in a while because I've been very busy with a new type of study, the process of which, I am pleased to announce, was not particularly challenging but the result of which is somewhat interesting!
I've been upholding the criteria of my new London List (must be hot and must be rich). After finding an interesting case study it has taken me over 5 weeks to come to the following  conclusions:
 

1) Beware of the bicipitiello (and of anyone who admits going to the gym every day but having been to one museum in London)

2) Beware of the banker. Yes I did enjoy having all but one of my (not few) drinks, plus entrance to the pub paid for (even tough I suspect family money plays a bigger part than banking in this one). What I did not enjoy was our first date being cancelled because of work and not rescheduled for 10 days.

3) If you think hearing: "I'm not willing to commit to anything serious at the moment" and "How are gender relations and family roles in your country and in your family? And what do you expect?" in the same half hour is weird - it is weird. Both topics are best avoided.

4) Tell me stories that make me laugh on our first date, don't freak me out talking about past relationships and future expectations.

5) Fishing to make me say I really like you on day 1 will at best get me to say something really sweet like: "I have lots of friends in London, I wouldn't spend my Friday night with you if I didn't want to".

6) If you haven't travelled in Europe (especially if you're not from Europe)  during your many years in the UK "because you have no one to travel with", please don't tell me. Make up that you're scared of planes, I'll find it less lame (probably because I am too - but obviously not enough!)

7) Don't tell me you want to see me again if you don't, and if you do please don't suggest a dinner date: I eat like a 2-year-old and find the idea about as appealing as sitting on needles all night.

CONCLUSION: The London List apparently doesn't work. I might want to consider making a list of things I don't want.

Facebook and the art of seduction - Chapter 2

A few more tips I've picked up along the way thanks to extensive research among a representative sample of the population of London:

- Interest in people with names like Joe Brown is not advisable, as you are likely to add and contact 7 or 8 people by mistake, before finding your guy. Pick a guy with a weird Eastern European name: you will have no clue how to pronounce his last name, but at least when you search him you will find him.

- The fact that you've exchanged about 30 messages in 3 days probably should make you happy, rather than prompt you to contact him via chat informing him that "messages are fine but that was getting a bit out of control".

- Every girl in a picture with him is probably not his ex. She's probably also not his current girlfriend.

- If he is all over every girl in every picture (and you have real life evidence that he is all over every girl in every instance) - drop it. 

- It is not advisable to go through all of his pictures searching for indications that he is gay.

- It is definitely not advisable to go through all of his pictures assessing his sisters' and parents' physical fitness and determine the outcome of your possible relationship based on that.

Dilemma

 
I am totally put off by guys who are obsessive about working out and really into their accurately sculpted muscles.. but I have to admit I'm not equally put off by the outcome of the working out and the accurately sculpted muscles. 

So the question is: to snob him as a muscle head, or to give him a chance and see if there's something more to him than his not-entirely-ugly bicipitiello?

The LONDON List

Good thing I haven't lost my ability to adapt to my environment.

Here's the new and improved LondonList:

1) Must be hot

2) Must be rich

(In that order)

Love DIVERSITY

One of the best things about living in London is its diversity; particularly the wide range of sociological samples it provides. Here’s a few of the urban specimen that I’ve had the good fortune to come across (the most interesting cases successfully fit into up to 5 typologies):

- The PHONE THERAPY man. He calls every day, at least once a day. Ideally after 10pm, generally closer to midnight. We talk for hours and if he is in a bad mood he feels free to hang up on me or yell at me – he thinks I’m his (free) therapist. Phone companies love us, as we each give them about £10 a day. We occasionally even see each other in person.
- The FLEXIBLE type. He likes me, he likes my friend. Women are beautiful, why be picky?

- The EMAILER. He starts every morning between 9 and 10am and carries on all day long. He writes about how sensitive he is, only to answer “you’re talking shit” when I suggest getting coffee. I must be crazy to suggest an interaction outside of cyberspace!
- The INTERCONTINENTAL CYBER-FLIRT. He’s in Canada, I’m in South America, any better ways to spend our evenings?

- The ITALY-OBSESSED type. He takes interest in me under the deluded impression that I am a good example of Italian woman. Typically he expects me to teach him Italian or asks me to marry him for my Italian passport.
- The MACHO. He doesn’t hide the fact he has a girlfriend, because honestly – how could a man like him have only one girl at a time?

- The CAN’T-KEEP-HIS-HANDS-OFF-ME type. He plays with my hair and holds my hand every time he talks to me. He even repeatedly suggests we hang out. He’s interested? Oh no, you naïve little thing! His behaviour is firmly grounded in the belief that I don’t understand verbal communication.

- The ALCOHOLIC. Girl or beer? Is that even a question?

- The VANISHING ACT, also known as the faller-off the flat face of the Earth. There are so many of them and one thing they don’t lack is originality: they all have different tricks. The standard format requires the vague planning of a coffee/drink meeting and its non-confirmation. I think I’m making progress though, because recently the Act took a new form: the postponing of a precisely planned meeting to an undefined time in the future, followed by the Vanishing Act.

- The GLOBETROTTER. He’s worldly, he’s cool.. he’s moved to a different continent.

- The GAY guy. A man can change his mind!

Blame it on Disney

Like any respectable modern day Princess (even though I consider myself much too proactive to be a proper princess), I blame Disney for my supposedly unrealistic expectations about love. Of course I believe my expectations to be perfectly fair: I'm not saying I will sleep for 100 years and only bother to get up when Prince Charming appears. Nor am I saying that I'll sit at home scrubbing the floor till my Fairy Godmother produces me a Ferrari+handsome driver to go to Posh London Club and meet Bankerofmydreams, only to forget my Prada shoe and have him search for me all over the Kingdom. But honestly, why should I not meet Aladdin who will show me the world on his private jet? I entirely fail to see what is unrealistic about that. 

What is most interesting is my recent discovery that Disney stories aren't all about proactive men fighting dragons and wicked witches to reach their beloved woman and declare their undying love. There are also a few clueless guys, who can't get their act together and need the help of a crab and seagull.. I wonder why this most important lesson escaped me at the time when my expectations were being shaped!

The PERUVIAN list

Cultural adaptation is essential to survive in different environments. This of course includes changing behaviours and expectations to match the reality that surrounds us.
When living in the Peruvian Andes I quickly noticed that I was unlikely to find someone meeting my detailed 84 point Original List and made some minor changes to increase my chances of finding someone meeting the criteria.

My comprehensive list went:

1) Must be taller than me

2) Must have all his (front) teeth - I was ok not finding out about the rest of them

GIRL meets BOY, London style

And then you wonder why London is a city of single people. You’d think it’s because all the young people are too busy and career oriented to have time for relationships. That may very well be a part of it, but the typical Girl meets Boy scenario suggests there may be a few other issues too..

Setting: house party

Alcoholic intake: moderate to high

Chances to meet potentially interesting people: high as it will ever be in London

Girl: Hey, my name is Nuru, nice to meet you. [Do I shake his hand American style, kiss him on the cheek Mediterranean style or wave British style? Let’s go with the standard hand shake..]

Boy: Hi, very nice to meet you too! How’s it going?

Girl: [He speaks very good English, it may even be his second language!] I’m alright, what’s your name?

Boy: My name is Bunjadit

Girl: [He’s cute enough that it’s worth figuring out how to pronounce this..] Sorry, can you say that again?

Boy: Bunjadit. It’s easy! Spelled B-U-N-J-A-D-I-T

Girl: Bujnadit. [How am I going to remember that? Think of bungee jumping..]

Boy: Where are you from?

Girl: [Oh no.. there we go! Please, PLEASE, let him be a bit more original than – how long have you been here? Are you planning to stay? Please provide a detailed history of your life as justification for your weird accent] I’m from Italy, what about you?

Boy: I’m from Movingbackistan.

Girl: Oh, cool, I was just there a few months ago and loved it! [last time I checked men from that region weren’t that much into gender equality..] And I will probably travel there for work soon! Are you planning to go back there or stay in London?

Boy: I’m definitely going back. Life is so different over there, you’ve been there, you know [I know..]. It’s always sunny [uh-oh. I was just hoping for an in-depth analysis of the weather in Britain and how it affects mood and matter] and you can go to work in shorts and slippers.. [who wouldn’t move somewhere for the privilege of going to work in slippers!?] well, it’s home, you know [no, I really don’t. The concept escapes me entirely, but should I get into that now?]

Girl: Hum, yeah, sure. What do you do here?

Boy: I’m about to start a new job with Loadsofmoney Consultants. It’s a short contract and after that I might go back home. Or maybe stay. Anyway if you want any help or advice for your work regarding Movingbackistan I am more than happy to help you.

Girl: [Well, he WILL move, that’s way better than he HAS moved. I’m making progress! Actually he said he MIGHT move – no one here seems to know where and when they're going. In the meantime he’s staying here and getting rich. Could be worse] Thanks a lot, yeah I will definitely ask for your advice when I go. You know, my brother and his girlfriend are thinking of travelling to the region this summer so maybe you can give them some info on places to stay on the coast.

Boy: Yeah not a problem. Oh, and by the way where is your boyfriend?

Girl: (waves him off) Doesn’t exist.. [did he just say that? Is he actually actively expressing some form of interest? I thought men taking ANY initiative were entirely banned from the British Isles!]

(They look at each other considering what to say next)

Boy: You know there is a great boat hotel they could stay at…

Bla, bla, bla.. 30 minutes later, the host heats some food up…

Boy: What meat is it?

(Drunk) Friend: Is it Halal?

(Very Drunk) Host: Yeah yeah you can eat it!

Boy: No, seriously, what meat is it? [what are the implication of his religion on our possible relationship/marriage/kids?His family/my family? He’s drinking so he can’t be that strict.. damn he looks so good!]

Bla, bla, bla.. 1 hour later

Girl: Hey, I’m going home now. Good night.

Boy: Oh ok, well let me know if you need any info. Just ask Yourfriend to ask Myflatmate.

Girl: [Great, another faller-off the flat face of the Earth!] Uhm, that sounds a bit twisted, but ok.

Boy: Or look me up on facebook [Back to square 1: Facebook and the art of seduction..]. And let me walk you to the bus stop, it’s late. [Men still do this kind of stuff?! Wow..]