Moments of light

Thursday: "Because either you live in a part of the world where you have to go around in a burqa and you get stoned to death if you have sex before marriage, or you live in a part of the world where you have to go around in a mini skirt and you get stoned to death if you don't have sex by age 15" 

-therapeutically enlightened

Monday: "Two miracles in 3 days, and Italian saying goes 'there's no 2 without 3'" 

-shock-induced over-optimism

Wednesday: "Don't fucking play with my bracelets you fucking bastard" 

-alcoholically enlightened

The Alphabet

This is my proposed new method to teach children their ABCs, I just need to come up with a catchy tune now! 

With the generous intellectual and empirical contribution of Mina, here's a new genre of list that we produced when we realised that the first letter of the names of each of the wonderful men we were fortunate enough to come across says something about who they are!

A is for Assistance Acquiring Advance Auto-destructive Abilities 

B is for Boredom Brought Ball-less Bastard

C is for Cheeky Cheating Chicken 

D is for Distraction (x3)
E is for Emotionally Exhausting 

F is for Friendly Fucker 

G
H is for Happened to just fall (off the flat face of the Earth)

I is for Intellectually Inept 

J is for Jackass

K is for Kid syndrome 

L is for Loneliness syndrome 

M is for Macho syndrome

N is for Not going anywhere

O is for Obsession 

P is for Potentially..not
Q
R
S is for Socially Strict

T
U
V W is for Wait, Whaaaat?!
X
YZ is for Zero expectations

Clearly we have some way to go to complete the list!

COUNTING my blessings

It took me 5 days to develop my new 'diversification of risk' strategy involving 4 guys, 3 of which are in different continents. This new found cynicism was triggered by picking up 2 friends crying over bastards who 'like them very much but just can't commit', as well as by a self-preservation instinct after 1 cycling accident caused by daydreaming about some guy..

Quotable Friends

"you are distressed because if someone is going ot fall off the face [of the Earth] they should just fall

and not make peripheral reappearances with your friends"

..and this, ladies and gentlemen, is my Real Soulmate. Forget about men.

Getting Over and Moving On

Who hasn't needed to get over someone and move on? Well, as the Queen of Obsession, let me give you some useful tips which have proven to be highly effective: 

- Become good friends with his best friends (particularly if they are more gossipy than any girl);

- Get an Icelandic volcano to blow ash all over Europe and block air traffic, so that  by a most random turn of things that wouldn't have worked if you'd planned it, you need to contact him to help your stranded friends around the globe to get back to London;

- Go on pilgrimage to his country of origin and there hook up with someone whose name you never knew;

- Facebook stalk him and get annoyed that a) he has no activity and b) only girls post on his wall;

- Have no communication with him but create a very elaborate fantasy in your mind;

- Hook up with someone you never liked in the first place and get annoyed at yourself and  at your hook-up for not living up to your elaborate fantasy;

- Get everyone you know who knows him to tell you how great he is and how much they would have liked you together;

- Read all the news about the part of the world where he is. If he is from country A but ethnically from country B, you met him in country C and he is now working in country D, as an added bonus you get a great knowledge of current affairs;

- Stalk with every other method available and get a panic attack at the prospect of actually having another 10 minute encounter in this life.

The ORIGINAL list

 As resumed from the New Jersey basement..

1. Must not have an obnoxious accent.
2. Must be straight
3. Must speak fluently at least one of the following : Italian, English, Spanish
4. Must not be an alcoholic but must drink
5. No pot smoking/cigarettes
6. No drugs
7. T.C.K preferred [Third Culture Kid, essentially multicultural global nomad by upbringing]
8. Believe in God but not be priest, monk, pastor, etc.
9. Like to travel, ski (snowboard ok)
10. Must have no interest in TV
11. Must adore me
12. Must be politically correct, socially conscious by day , racist by night
13. Politically “liberal”
14. Must marry me
15. Must cook for me and do laundry
16. Must not be an airline pilot [I'm sure there was a reason for this]
17. Red hair preferred
18. Dirty hippies need not to apply
19. Must not be sleeping with my best friend or be romantically or sexually involved with anyone but me
20. Must want to go to Nicaragua and love Matagalpa
21. Must appreciate beauty
22. Must shower on a regular basis
23. Vegans need not apply
24. Must be high class and rich
25. Must have a driver license
26. No STDs or infectious diseases
27. Like art-not ugly/tacky art
28. Want to live in the city
29. Dark eyes preferred
30. Aware of world happenings
31. No ethnocentrism
32. No dyed hair and no tanning
33. Must be ridiculously reassuring, protecting and romantic
34. Must put up with bitching in large amounts
35. Must be psychologically and physically fulfilling
36. Must know how to spell
37. Humble but confident
38. Good mind and good heart
39. Sense of humor
40. Must be completely amazed and mesmerized by me
41. Machistas need not apply
42. Must be more sexually experienced than me but not too much
43. Must not have had a sex change
44. Must enjoy talking in weird accents
45. No condescending, patronizing, homophobic, racist ect.
46. Must have at least same education as me
47. No dogs desired
48. Fluent in multiple languages (no Vietnamese please)
49. Must not be a health freak
50. Must want to adopt/have kids and take care of them
51. Must be mentally stable
52. Must provide me with the necessary psychological support and independence
53. S&M need not apply
54. Not abusive to me or anyone
55. Honest and sincere
56. Dedicate to improve the state of the world
57. American sport (baseball, basketball, football and rugby) [probably something about not being a huge fan?]
58. No extreme sports/parachuting
59. Poets need not apply
60. No makeup/skirts
61. No excessive body hair/no BO
62. No porn/strip clubs
63. Like to read
64. Must appear quickly
65. No criminal record (with exception)
66. Must be slow and understanding and abnormally patient in physical /sexual setting
67. Dress well
68. Must not be into mothering pet like relationship
69. Must like long conversations that deviate on random tangents
70. Must be intelligent
71. Must respect my family and love my cat
72. Must appreciate swears when used appropriately
73. Must enjoy watching movies while drinking wine
74. No tattoos
75. No piercings (accepted eyebrow)
76. Must consult with wife before marriage
77. Must be persistent and willing to pursue me
78. Frat boys need not apply
79. Strong, physically, mentally, emotionally
80. Pageants [?] need not apply
81. Must not have a list like this for me
82. Must enjoy procrastination and all the activities it entails
83. Must buy me cool gifts and know my taste
84. No rotten teeth
85. No long fingernails
86. No military

..essentially, nothing's changed!

The benefits of technology

I was talking to a friend the other day and she came up with THE solution for the future: You can add applications to men like you add them to your iPhone! You pick the ones you like, if you have an 80+ point list like me it's easy: just find an App for each item on your list. The monogamy application would be expensive, while the dorky and not-too-good-looking one would be cheap (because women are not always wise!).

And then you can go and rate men online, like you rate restaurants, so future users can go and check. This is really useful! I could have gone and checked ratings for The Emailer and would have found: "Borderline autistic, Italy-obessessed, lacking basic social skills, totally lacking foreign language skills". I would have thought: must have been his ex in jealous rage writing such nonsense! And pursued my cause anyway, but Italian saying goes: a warned man (woman) is half saved. Admittedly it's likely the ratings wouldn't overall be very good, since they would mostly come from exes, but again, a warned woman is half saved.