Is this too much to ask?

Cheesy is back!

Allow me my moment of cheesiness, sometimes you need some good old cheesiness to restore the balance after a few months of cynicism.

2 and a half weeks of online dating and I'm just overwhelmed by the amount of dates I've been on... You guessed: ZERO. Not only I haven't been on dates, I haven't made it past stage 1 of 'guided communication', which is when I send seemingly interesting people 5 pre-fabricated questions, to which they regularly don't answer. 

I did get an email from someone who decided to skip the 'guided communication' and formulate his own sentences. I appreciate the effort, and I've rarely been so flattered (in fact, no had had ever called me very awesome before!), but I'm left questioning whether formulating his own sentences was really the best choice: 

Dear Erica Hi doing ?U looking very awesome and beautiful with your genuine smile,I want to get to know u more,am interested in you,if you can give me chance, to get to know me better ,i will be glad. Mike

...But then it apparently only takes a semi-sweet email (or two) and a bit of Africa/Latin America travel planning with someone who charmed me with Malawian sunsets and his way of being a white-man-in-Africa... and the cheesy mode kicks in. SWEET!

Positive thinking

Problem, (lack of) Solution

Problem identified: my list can be narrowed down to one single - and virtually impossible to locate in London - item:

Must be a culturally confused aid worker. 

(I doubt anything else will do).

Solution NOT identified.

List revision

I found someone who:

- Speaks 5 languages (or more, I can't keep up)

- Loves to travel and travels like a maniac

- Is London-based

- Has tons of interests and initiative: he likes to do stuff and does it (stuff does not mean drinking himself into oblivion in various places)

- Is social and capable of applying the right behaviour to a variety of social settings without external guidance

- Is straight, not a member of the clergy, funny, smart and can have intelligent informed conversations

And.. I'm not interested.. which can only mean I need to produce a new list:

- Must be an expat aid worker, must charm me with knowledge of exotic places and things, and must be idealistic beyond reasonable measure.

I might just be in the wrong part of the world...

Ideas wanted

If anyone has any innovative ideas, please let me know asap. To date what I have tried* includes, but is not limited to, the following:

- Speaking to the guy in question

- Not speaking to the guy in question

- Calling/texting

- Not calling/not texting

- Emailing/Facebook messaging

- Not emailing/Not Facebook messaging

- Stalking online

- Not stalking online

- Asking the guy out

- Not asking the guy out

- Trying to get the guy to ask me out

- Blushing

- Not blushing

- Being uninterested

- Being mildly interested

- Being somewhat interested

- Being interested

- Being very interested

- Being obsessed

- Being in love

- Being nice

- Being a bitch

- Being a friend

- Not having sex

- Having sex

- Knowing the guy well

- Knowing the guy a bit

- Not knowing the guy's name

- Knowing the guy's name

- Not knowing the guy's face

 And because you shouldn't limit yourself to a type, what I have tried includes but is by no means limited to:

- Coworker

- Classmate

- Friend of friend

- Friend of brother

- Person met randomly

- Expat aid worker

- Indigenous person in aid work land

- Italian

- Italy obsessed

- Uninterested in Italy

- Unable to locate Italy on a map

- Illiterate

- Literate

- With a master's degree

- Private sector worker

- Public sector worker

- Development worker

- White, black, Asian, Latino

- Rich, poor, no notion of his income

- Monolingual, bilingual, multilingual

- The full range from turn-around-in-the-street hot to turn-around-in-the-street ugly

The list goes on but quite frankly it's not improving my mood! :)

The 'type' & the dead fish look

Episode #1:
- ...and I have no idea why I was so fascinated with this guy!

- How many languages does he speak?

- Uhmm.. he runs a language school..

- ...

Episode #2:

- Did you want to go outside with the guys and I'll join you later?

- No, it's fine, we can go later

- Did you like the guy?

- Which one?

- The tall one

- Uh? No! What? You're making stuff up!

- ...

- How did you know I liked the guy?

- I don't know, just the dead fish look behind your sunglasses

- Ah, right...

Online dating

The online dating website EHarmony tells me it is responsible for almost 5% of all marriages in the US. After debating for a long time about whether this online dating thing is for me, I thought: it's good to be open to new experiences, let me pay 40 pounds to shop for men online!

So you need to answer a few question to get started:

- What ethnicity are you willing to consider in a partner? White/Caucasian, Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi (who knew these were different ethnicities), Chinese, Japanese, Black/African/Caribbean (who knew these were all the same), Arab/Middle Eastern, Other. Where's the box for: I would like to open a debate about the definition of ethnicity? 

- What religious belief are you willing to accept in a partner? Chrstian: sure. Muslim: not ideal, but speaking from experience I love my South Asian Muslim men (not sure they love me). Hindu: why not. Sikh: not sure I can deal with the turban, much less with the knife in the turban. New Age: now you're really pushing your luck. Spiritual but not religious: oh man, you don't want to know how I feel about these spiritual but not religious types.

- How much does this statement apply to you: It would be great to not have to answer 793 questions to meet someone? very much

Personality traits

Important discovery that may come in handy when going through life: Loser and Asshole are not mutually exclusive personality traits. I owe this discovery to the one who 'doesn't want a relationship with me but his offer of being friends with benefits still stands'.

12 = 27

Back in Italy for a few days and going through my old journals I noticed that I was very sweet and romantically inclined when I was 12 or 16. I was also already meeting the EXACT same type of men who "really like me but" (it's always good to start young!). Thank God a much nobler virtue, sarcasm, has replaced the sweetness of my youth. It makes everything a lot funnier ("some people are lucky and meet the man of their lives at 15, the rest of us have funny stories" cit.). 

Otherwise, just like when I was 12, I am apparently incapable of:

- Carrying out a simple conversation with someone I (inexplicably) find attractive

- Maintaining my normal face color while saying hi, bye and other very personal things

- Avoid getting myself in absolutely embarrassing situations where I look like a complete idiot

- Getting all the above mentioned nonsesne out of my mind

The up side of ball-less men

The benefit of a man without balls is that you never have to worry about him getting in touch when you don't want him to. What a relief! He seems to be providing relief after relief: doesn't want a relationship, won't attempt to contact me.  

Sweet! (Deal, not him).

Movie wisdom

"What you feel only matters to you. 

What you do to the people you say you love is the only thing that counts"

- The Last Kiss

It's time for Africa

How do I to choose??

One cared SO much about our friendship that  his crazed hormones just had to take priority. Another one had got a girl pregnant while messing around with me. 

Oh, fuck it - AS IF I cared, when there are cupcakes in Boston and it's spring in London!

Friends with benefits

So he's been hitting on you, flirting with you, paying for everything for you from dinners to taxis to drinks, making indecent proposals when drunk (and occasionally when sober), texting you at every hour of the day and night, calling you withing 20 seconds of every time you text him, occasionally saying and doing things that are so nice they leave you speechless - for ONE YEAR? 

And did everyone around you think he was really into you? 

And did you in your deluded state also entertain that idea after he told you he wanted to spend the evening alone with you, and then when standing outside your door said he would like to kiss you? 

Well, my friend, you are obviously from a different planet. On planet Earth all the above mentioned behaviors means he would like to offer you the privilege and honor of being his friend with benefits. And that's really a though one to turn down! (Don't know how I managed!)

Timing

As long as you get yourself in enough trouble, terrible timing will then seem absolutely convenient. Pond crossing, off to some serious listmaking, pancake & cupcake eating, Flor de Cana drinking, and soul-mate loving :)
Then we'll see.

Same continent is overrated

After one guy moving to Asia (Dubai), one living in Africa (Malawi), there's one now who has moved to America (NYC)! He seems to like it better.. Well, OF COURSE! But he would just LOVE to see me if ONLY he was in my SAME continent! 

I thank him though for getting me further acquainted with the international up & coming urban slang! He'll 'take a rain check' next time he's in town. What EXACTLY does THAT mean? It's  apparently the Newcool way to say 'I'll return the invitation'. Next. Time. The world is small.

In Italian there is a wise saying that goes "There's no 2 without 3"!

Italy vs Brazil

Setting: Brazilian dance club

Everyone is dancing and my friend and I are socializing intimately with our mojitos. 

Suddenly I see a flash of light in my friend's eyes and then she explains: "We Italian women are so good at moving our hands when we speak.. you can't expect us to be able to move our hips too! Brazilian women dream of gesturing the way we do!"

Pick up lines

As my friend D. and I walk by a pub, guy standing in front of the pub: "Are you girls American?"

Me/D.: "No/yes"

Guy: "Where are you from?"

Me/D.:".../Texas"

Guy: "Oh Texas! I am thinking of going to the States this summer, do you have any advice on where to go?"
Me: "That's the BEST pick up line I've heard in my entire life!"

D.:"California... San Francisco"

Guy: "Oh yeah I've been there"

Me: "Iowa is amazing!"

I know I'm a lovely person.

Globe trotting overachievers

It's like profiling a criminal, the interesting man always has at least 8/10 of the following:

1) speaks 4 languages minimum
2) takes 15 minutes minimum to answer the question 'where are you from?'
3) has traveled all over the world and intends to continue this nomadic lifestyle
4) is a complete overachiever with at least a master's degree from an Ivy League school or equivalent
5) has lived in at least 5 different countries
7) has started at least 3 businesses and/or NGOs
8) is out to see the world, save the world and make money all at the same time and before turning 35
9) his religion should be a good enough reason to think this is a bad idea
10) he lives somewhere else

.. and always has both of the following:
1) is too into his career
2) want a relationship (right now)

They're just so fascinating, these globe-trotting overachievers!

Award Nominations

And the Global Man With No Balls Award goes to the one who not only isn't able to ask a girl out, he isn't even able to say no when she asks him out! (and classically falls off the flat face of the Earth*). 









*only to inconveniently reappear a few hours later at a dinner party

Random act of kindness

You've heard about random acts of kindness, the idea is you do something nice to someone for no reason and they will be kind to others in turn. 

Being a selfless and loving person, I took this idea to heart, and decided that my random act of kindness would be to help A's low self-esteem by performing the dead fish/hearts popping out of my eyes look every time I saw him. For 5 months. 

His ego now can't fit in this room. I'm so happy I could be of help!

The window of opportunity

Yesterday I had the honor of being enlightened. about some of what goes on in a man's mind. There is apparently a WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY during which a man needs to take action with a woman he is interested in. 

The cause of my obsession, also known as the Overused Example in this cybercorner, apparently missed such window with the Mexican. That's a real shame since all the flirting that went on with her in front of me (perfectly timed less that 24 hours after an evening spent entirely with me) also caused me to build, close and barricade my own personal window. And I didn't even have any idea about her charm.

Someone please tell Italy-obsessed men that some of what goes on in an Italian woman's mind is: you made me jealous (it doesn't even matter if it was justified) and I will hold it against you for a long long time. Forget about windows, consider kissing my feet. On second though, a foot massage might do.

Use by October 2013

Me (in a deluded state) - Exotic is beautiful!

My Wise Friend (trying to make up for having introduced me to the Man With An Expiry Date) - Exotic is far away or comes with an expiry date...

Expiry dates on men, you've got to love the diversity of complications you get in London! 

If only they came with a label on their forehead "Use by October 2013". 

(On the back of the label it says:  Display a love of life and immoral western women until: see reverse).

Ideas

Dear 2011,

You are only 9 days old, and yet during your short life you have already taught me so much. Thanks for bringing me precious teachings every day:

1) If you're going to come to stay with me London but won't tell me the dates, you're probably not a great idea

2) If you're about to move to a different continent, you're probably not a great idea

3) If you already live in a different continent, you're probably not a good idea

4) If I work for/with you (even extremely indirectly), you're probably a bad idea

5) If you have a non-girlfriend you're reluctant to mention and you spent Christmas with, you're definitely a bad idea

6) If I've hooked up with your friend, you're probably a pretty bad idea

7) If we're in the same car/flat as your above mentioned friend, you're probably a really bad idea

8) If you are going to have an arranged marriage in a few years, you're definitely a really bad idea

9) If I've been ignoring you for the past 8 months, going to your leaving party is probably not a good idea (but curiosity is the engine behind everything, isn't it?)

I can hardly express my gratitude for all these teachings. But, if it's not too much trouble, dearest 2011, would you mind dropping some hints on what a good idea would look like?

Many thanks and kind regards,
Nuru (the African light that blinded me)

PS. They say Africa is the story of how we begin to remember

1, 2, 3...

New Year's Resolutions

New Year's Resolutions are overrated. As my father put it, on January 1st everyone's still a bit drunk, on the 2nd they're full of good resolutions and on the 3rd they've already forgotten them all. 

So my resolution is: have fun and make the best I have with what I've got. 

Here's what I've got:

It's January 3rd now and as far as men go this year has brought me one long lingering (4+ years) and perpetually inconclusive ("I love you (dearly)" "I want to marry you" 'I'm dating someone else' 'I'm living in a different continent', I've dropped of the Face of the Earth, but worry not, I will climb back on!) very good looking friend, currently living in a different country (but same continent) announcing his arrival in London in the next week, of course staying at my house, as visitor #584 in 3 years!