Facebook and the art of seduction - Chapter 1

Here is some helpful advice for dealing with the unfortunate fallers off the flat face of the Earth.

Each point in the following list is backed up by extensive empirical research. The approach is more effective in the case of slippers-off the side of the flat Earth into the Great Unknown, than in the case of flippers-over to precisely identified yet unreachable locations.

1) DO find the guy and add him as a friend
1a) ideally, when stalking do not to accidentally place his name as your status update
1b) ideally, when sharing pictures of him with your friends in different continents do not upload his photo (especially if without a shirt) as your profile picture!
1c) ideally, if you do - take it down ASAP and do not contact him just to explain what you did
2) DO send him a message
2a) involve as many people as possible in composing the message. Consultations should ideally come from people in at least 3 continents, preferably some of which dont speak the language you are writing in and therefore need translations, preferably ranging between the ages of 20 and 93 including but not limited to grandparents, colleagues and best friends - but not including siblings (especially if the guy is his friend)
3) it is ok to show not-complete-disdain in the above mentioned message - extensive research suggests that saying "it was great to meet you / i would love to see you" does not equate to "i love you and will move to a different continent with you" (or is not usually interpreted as meaning that, even though in fact it does)
3a) it is probably not advisable to talk about stupid movies about Ferrari smugglers in your messages - most other topics are fine*
3b) ending the message with "take care" seems like a better option than "have to run" (and btw writing to you was such a waste of my time!)
4) DO NOT waste your time overanalysing every word of his message - it's already impressive he can write at all, it is unlikely he actually put much thought in the wording
4a) if you have some free time, spend it deciding whether your next message will be in response to his or a new message, but maybe only consult best friends about that (even though it's an absolutely legitimate concern!)
5) if there are spelling mistakes - dump him (unless he is writing in his 4th language - in which case there probably won't be spelling mistakes anyway)
6) DO NOT play games counting the number of days/ hours/ minutes between your message and his response/ his message and your response/ your message and the loss of your mind

*Follow-up studies indicate that Ferrari smuggling is actually a perfectly acceptable topic, likely to prompt witty responses. What is not recommended (as it will likely result in a fall off into the Great Unkown) is providing/asking for instant messaging details.