GIRL meets BOY, London style

And then you wonder why London is a city of single people. You’d think it’s because all the young people are too busy and career oriented to have time for relationships. That may very well be a part of it, but the typical Girl meets Boy scenario suggests there may be a few other issues too..

Setting: house party

Alcoholic intake: moderate to high

Chances to meet potentially interesting people: high as it will ever be in London

Girl: Hey, my name is Nuru, nice to meet you. [Do I shake his hand American style, kiss him on the cheek Mediterranean style or wave British style? Let’s go with the standard hand shake..]

Boy: Hi, very nice to meet you too! How’s it going?

Girl: [He speaks very good English, it may even be his second language!] I’m alright, what’s your name?

Boy: My name is Bunjadit

Girl: [He’s cute enough that it’s worth figuring out how to pronounce this..] Sorry, can you say that again?

Boy: Bunjadit. It’s easy! Spelled B-U-N-J-A-D-I-T

Girl: Bujnadit. [How am I going to remember that? Think of bungee jumping..]

Boy: Where are you from?

Girl: [Oh no.. there we go! Please, PLEASE, let him be a bit more original than – how long have you been here? Are you planning to stay? Please provide a detailed history of your life as justification for your weird accent] I’m from Italy, what about you?

Boy: I’m from Movingbackistan.

Girl: Oh, cool, I was just there a few months ago and loved it! [last time I checked men from that region weren’t that much into gender equality..] And I will probably travel there for work soon! Are you planning to go back there or stay in London?

Boy: I’m definitely going back. Life is so different over there, you’ve been there, you know [I know..]. It’s always sunny [uh-oh. I was just hoping for an in-depth analysis of the weather in Britain and how it affects mood and matter] and you can go to work in shorts and slippers.. [who wouldn’t move somewhere for the privilege of going to work in slippers!?] well, it’s home, you know [no, I really don’t. The concept escapes me entirely, but should I get into that now?]

Girl: Hum, yeah, sure. What do you do here?

Boy: I’m about to start a new job with Loadsofmoney Consultants. It’s a short contract and after that I might go back home. Or maybe stay. Anyway if you want any help or advice for your work regarding Movingbackistan I am more than happy to help you.

Girl: [Well, he WILL move, that’s way better than he HAS moved. I’m making progress! Actually he said he MIGHT move – no one here seems to know where and when they're going. In the meantime he’s staying here and getting rich. Could be worse] Thanks a lot, yeah I will definitely ask for your advice when I go. You know, my brother and his girlfriend are thinking of travelling to the region this summer so maybe you can give them some info on places to stay on the coast.

Boy: Yeah not a problem. Oh, and by the way where is your boyfriend?

Girl: (waves him off) Doesn’t exist.. [did he just say that? Is he actually actively expressing some form of interest? I thought men taking ANY initiative were entirely banned from the British Isles!]

(They look at each other considering what to say next)

Boy: You know there is a great boat hotel they could stay at…

Bla, bla, bla.. 30 minutes later, the host heats some food up…

Boy: What meat is it?

(Drunk) Friend: Is it Halal?

(Very Drunk) Host: Yeah yeah you can eat it!

Boy: No, seriously, what meat is it? [what are the implication of his religion on our possible relationship/marriage/kids?His family/my family? He’s drinking so he can’t be that strict.. damn he looks so good!]

Bla, bla, bla.. 1 hour later

Girl: Hey, I’m going home now. Good night.

Boy: Oh ok, well let me know if you need any info. Just ask Yourfriend to ask Myflatmate.

Girl: [Great, another faller-off the flat face of the Earth!] Uhm, that sounds a bit twisted, but ok.

Boy: Or look me up on facebook [Back to square 1: Facebook and the art of seduction..]. And let me walk you to the bus stop, it’s late. [Men still do this kind of stuff?! Wow..]

The ART of making LISTS

List-making is a noble and highly skilled activity. Traditionally, the ideal setting required cheap sparkling wine and chocolate chip cookie/cheescake, life planning and nightdreaming, between midnight and 4am. However, in modern days lists are typically produced during working hours and shared intercontinentally over cyberspace. There are many types of lists with which I intend to populate this cybercorner of silliness, but to be true and fair to the Art, I will start by sharing THE list, in its newest and updated version.*

The following criteria are ESSENTIAL: 

- must be single and monogamous and must have had a one digit number of partners - those who have ever cheated on a partner need not apply. Applicants who are divorced and/or have children will only be considered in exceptional circumstances;

- must speak fluent English, fluent Italian would be a strong advantage - those with an unhealthy fascination with Italy need not apply;

- those holding EU/US/Canadian passoports will be given priority (notice: 'passports' not 'citizenship') - those not holding passports need not apply;

- must be shy (but not too much to ask me for coffee once I've suggested it he has agreed);

- must be dorky enough to have a bad hair cut and limited sense of style - those with an excessive interest in video games need not apply;

- must be goofy - this does include dressing up in costumes for parties and being silly without having ingested large amounts of alcohol;

- must enjoy some amount of healthy gossip;

- political conservatives and religious fundamentalists need not apply;

- must have an unhealthy addiction to travel;

- must be sociable and capable to apply the correct social behavior to a variety of settings without external guidance;

- must NOT flirt. Ever. (Not even with me - talking will do);

- must not be addicted to substances ('substances' includes, but is not limited to: cigarettes, alcohol, illegal drugs, medicine of any sort, TV). Infact, he won't make any use of cigarettes and drugs whatsoever and very limited use of TV;

- must be based in London. ('Based' = have a job and permanent address and spend at least 8 months a year);

- flakey people need not apply.

The following seem understood, but empirical studies suggest it is best NOT to TAKE ANYTHING FOR GRANTED:

- must be straight (bi will not do);

- must be decent (falling off the flat face of the Earth qualifies as lack of basic decency);

- must communicate, with whatever technology of his choice, on a regular basis;

- must have a good heart and a good mind;

- must make me laugh and laugh at and with me frequently.

The following qualities, while not essential, would certainly be an ASSET:

- siblings (preferably including at least 1 sister);

- good looks will not be disdained before careful consideration, but he who sports a perfectly sculped bicipitiello [biceps] must expect to be received with a certain degree of wariness;

- blushing in a way that gives a good indication of interest would be appreciated;

- atheists and 'spiritual but not religious' types will only be considered in exceptional circumstances;

- money (family money does not apply). Bankers and consultants strongly encouraged to apply. World-saving penniless idealists need not apply;

- must enjoy the theatre in many of its forms;

- must have interests in things other than football and alcohol. Interest in football and alcohol will not be held against him, if he can prove a healthy balance of interests in current events, travel, museums, books, curiosity for things he doesn't know, people (interest in people does not equate to gossip).

The following qualities would be an ADDED BONUS (as I have evidence to support their existence):

- fluency in at least 3 languages;

- must have lived in at least 3 countries & 2 continents (note: Puerto Rico does not qualify as a separate country but the UK is, of course, a continent of its own) - ideally he will have lived in a developing country, but exceptions will be made;

- postgraduate degree (this is not in the 'essential' category so that i don't appear snobbish. However, I really am, so interested candidates should make sure they are at least pursuing their first prostgraduate qualification at the time of application). Academic types pursuing post-docs who have never set foot in the real world need not apply.

* The Original 84 point List has been recently rediscovered during the excavation of a New Jeresy basement. As soon as it is made public, a detailed comparative study will be carried out and the findings will be shared.

Facebook and the art of seduction - Chapter 1

Here is some helpful advice for dealing with the unfortunate fallers off the flat face of the Earth.

Each point in the following list is backed up by extensive empirical research. The approach is more effective in the case of slippers-off the side of the flat Earth into the Great Unknown, than in the case of flippers-over to precisely identified yet unreachable locations.

1) DO find the guy and add him as a friend
1a) ideally, when stalking do not to accidentally place his name as your status update
1b) ideally, when sharing pictures of him with your friends in different continents do not upload his photo (especially if without a shirt) as your profile picture!
1c) ideally, if you do - take it down ASAP and do not contact him just to explain what you did
2) DO send him a message
2a) involve as many people as possible in composing the message. Consultations should ideally come from people in at least 3 continents, preferably some of which dont speak the language you are writing in and therefore need translations, preferably ranging between the ages of 20 and 93 including but not limited to grandparents, colleagues and best friends - but not including siblings (especially if the guy is his friend)
3) it is ok to show not-complete-disdain in the above mentioned message - extensive research suggests that saying "it was great to meet you / i would love to see you" does not equate to "i love you and will move to a different continent with you" (or is not usually interpreted as meaning that, even though in fact it does)
3a) it is probably not advisable to talk about stupid movies about Ferrari smugglers in your messages - most other topics are fine*
3b) ending the message with "take care" seems like a better option than "have to run" (and btw writing to you was such a waste of my time!)
4) DO NOT waste your time overanalysing every word of his message - it's already impressive he can write at all, it is unlikely he actually put much thought in the wording
4a) if you have some free time, spend it deciding whether your next message will be in response to his or a new message, but maybe only consult best friends about that (even though it's an absolutely legitimate concern!)
5) if there are spelling mistakes - dump him (unless he is writing in his 4th language - in which case there probably won't be spelling mistakes anyway)
6) DO NOT play games counting the number of days/ hours/ minutes between your message and his response/ his message and your response/ your message and the loss of your mind

*Follow-up studies indicate that Ferrari smuggling is actually a perfectly acceptable topic, likely to prompt witty responses. What is not recommended (as it will likely result in a fall off into the Great Unkown) is providing/asking for instant messaging details.

The Earth is FLAT

Flat like a pancake. Like an American pancake, mind you. With all sorts of fruit and chocolate chips, soaked in maple syrup and with some whipped cream here and there. There is nothing better in the world: it is the world.
So we're all wondering around the flat face of the Earth.. and if we get too close to the edge we might just fall off. Anyone can fall off, any time. It's easy because the pancake gets flipped over often in the cooking process, and you are just flipped way way far away to small mountain villages - where people share one room stone houses with their guinea pigs - and it feels like the middle ages. Or to high tech cities in the desert where everything is plastic and smells like money, and no one knows what is real. But it's not only the flipping that throws people off. If you walk too close to the edge you may just slip. It's very slippery near the edge. And the curious thing about slipping is that no one knows where you slip to. Sometimes you slip off and hold on, and you can climb back on. But climbing back is, of course, a lot more difficult than falling off. Maybe the Earth is not only flat, it's also tilted, so people slip off without noticing.